Safe while I’m sleeping

Have you ever felt when you fall asleep your problems disappear for a few hours? They just vanish. Dreams and nightmares aren’t real so they can’t really hurt you. The pain disappears and it only returns when you slowly come back in to reality, waking from your safe slumber and rolling over to realise you have to draw a fake smile on your lips with your favourite lipstick, bronze away the pale lifeless expression you woke up with and paint mascara on the lashes that, only last night, you wiped tears from and you think… Why did I have to wake up? Why am I standing in front of this mirror wishing I could exist only in my dreams, wishing those dreams were my reality and this horrible truth, that is my life, was all a lie. People think I’m a full of life, happy, confident, funny girl. Which, is actually true because to you, I am all of those things. Sometimes I even believe myself, I get caught up in my lies and my sharade that has taken many years to mould and master and now look at me. I have become someone who finds it almost impossible to be herself around others because I have built up this personality who is funny and laughs and is always smiling. So when it comes to my dark side coming out, I’m terrified to tell anyone how I feel. I’m ashamed to say I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I’m embarrassed to ask for help when I am standing in my bedroom trying to find something I can use to aide my dark suicidal thoughts. I am desperately crying out for someone, anyone to help me while I sit alone in my bathroom taking handfuls of painkillers that will never numb the pain I actually feel. I just need someone to see that behind this mask is a fragile, vulnerable woman who has been through a world of uncontrollable mental pain that she can’t even begin to explain because it doesn’t even make sense in her own head.

I know there is other people who feel like this. I know there is someone, somewhere, reading this and wishing they could tell me that this is exactly how they feel, that this is what they have been trying to express to people around them who just do not get it.

But someone loves you. I am lucky enough to have a family and best friends who love me and who I know would be inconsolable if I ever went through with another suicide attempt. There is always someone who cares. There is always someone who loves you no matter what is going through your head in that moment, SOMEONE LOVES YOU.

Be happy, be safe❤️