Grieving

It’s been a while since I wrote down my feelings, until now I haven’t felt able or ready but something has come over me and I can’t hold the words in any more.

It’s May 12th 2019, and I am just now coming to grips with everything that I have went through since the year began.

In January, I lost my Gran (my fathers side). Now, I have not always got on with my Gran, she was very opinionated and constantly made me feel like I wasn’t good enough – sad but true. While in hospital before she passed she told me (in front of my brother and sister-in-law) I was a horrible child and I ruined everything for my brother growing up. I was distraught. I already find it hard to like myself sometimes never mind being told by my own Gran. I never understood why she couldn’t be nice to me, why I wasn’t deserving of the kind words she said to my brother or about him when he wasn’t around.

When my Gran was taken to hospital, my Papa couldn’t go with her in the ambulance because my Gran was being worked on by the paramedics. When the ambulance left, my Papa forgot where my Gran was and went out looking for her – my Papa had vascular dementia – he fell and smacked his face and shoulder off the pavement and was taken to hospital too. Before my Gran passed my Papa would be taken up to her ward to see her for a visit. He seemed like he was getting better, he was remembering more and went to the activity club in one of the wards and sang songs and chatted to all of the nurses – they all loved him. But, things took a turn for the worse and the day before he was supposed to get out he had a stroke which completely destroyed the left hand side of his brain. 5 weeks after my Gran died, my Papa died too. My Papa had such a special place in my heart and I was completely devastated. I could see how much pain my Dad was having to endure as well which made it even harder. Imagine, loosing your Mum and then your Dad 5 weeks apart – that’s what my Dad and Aunties had to deal with.

I hit a massive depression and broke up with my boyfriend who I lived with. I packed my entire life in to my car and just left, we barely even talked about it, I just left. I was on the edge, I was ready to drive my car over a bridge and never deal with this life again. I did not want to try and handle the pain of two deaths and the pain of losing someone I loved with every part of my soul. I did not want to breathe with out that person being by my side. But I did it. I sat in my room and cried myself to sleep for a week. Scrolling through his instagram and facebook crying at photos of us together and thinking “Did I make the right decision” – I  was so emotional I questioned everything. I was already going through hell. But, if you love someone and you know what they are going through.. do you leave them to handle it on their own? Or do you put your pride aside and do everything and anything you can to make sure they are safe?

As if things couldn’t get any worse for me, I wake up to get ready for my shift at work and my Dad comes through to the kitchen and hugs me then goes on to tell me that he got a call to tell him that my cousin, Euan, was found dead. My little cousin, only 2 months younger than me, who I grew up with, made so many memories with as a child, who was literally glued to my hip at every family event – DEAD?! I literally almost collapsed. I kept repeating, not again, I can’t handle someone else dying. I spent the rest of the day in bed crying and looking at old photos. 3 deaths and a break up in the space of 3 months. Do you understand how hard that is to deal with. ONE death is hard enough to cope with.

That’s when it got bad. To give you an idea of my mindset, I barely missed a day of work, I went in every day and done deals and pretended everything was fine. I left it at the door and done my job. Then, I would go home and cry myself to sleep and wake up and do it all over again. An unhealthy cycle that ultimately lead me down the path of wanting to kill myself. I have walked that path so many times in the past and I didn’t think I would walk it again. I was sitting in my bedroom engulfed in pain and tears. I was trying to deal with so much. I literally lost my Gran, Papa, Boyfriend and best friend in one and my cousin. I felt so alone, so out of my own head that I could not think of any other way to deal with it other than to end the pain I was in.

You can’t feel anything if your dead.

As you can guess, obviously since I am writing this. I did not go through with the suicide. I opened my phone and looked at my background which is a photo of my Mum and I and I just burst in to floods of more tears. How could I possibly cause my family more pain. How could I be so selfish to take away their daughter, sister, cousin etc. I would be adding to the mountain of grief they were already going through.

But I was still lost. I posted something on twitter out of desperation and I had an outburst of responses, texts and private messages from so many people telling me how much I had to live for, telling me how strong I was, how tough it seemed right now but it would get better. How amazing I was doing and how brave I was. I have never felt so much support and love. Sometimes, it’s so hard to ask for help and I am so thankful to the people who reached out to me.

It’s May 12th and I am still trying to deal with everything but this is the first time I have taken the chance to open up about it and write it down. My medication was temporarily doubled to help me adjust and balance myself out again. I am back in my old gym routine which literally keeps me sane every week! I am a work in progress, but I am getting there. Slowly, but surely.

I’ll get there.