Healing

I never realised how much I actually needed to be alone. Any time I flew from the nest, I knew as my home, I was always off on an adventure or with a boy so I never experienced the art of being alone. I was living it up in NYC high or drunk (as a 21 year old should), on a ship in the middle of the ocean without a lot of contact to my home reality or living in my boyfriend’s flat/house/world instead of my own.

So yeah.. I never realised how much I needed to be alone. I had to get to know ME, I had to figure out how to love ME, I had to learn to self soothe more, I had to be the bread winner, I had to be person for myself that I had wanted someone else to be for me. I only figured that out within the last 6 months or so and I was completely unaware of the journey I was on. So what brought me to this point?

I’ve always been seen as a very independent person, I have never had a problem being alone. I like it because there is no pressure when I’m alone. I love going to the shops by myself, I love travelling places myself. I have amazing family & best friends I do these things with too, of course, and I cherish my time with them. My point being I’ve never been dependent on others, until I was. I was in a very toxic relationship. I lost myself and I lost my independence.

“Why didn’t you just leave?”

I was manipulated every day. The pattern was this – they pick an argument, gaslight me to the point I actually questioned my own sanity and mental health, I feel coerced in to apologising even though I don’t fully understand why I am even sorry, quickly followed by them love bombing me with affection, gifts & instagram stories. Then, same again, 3 days later. It was mentally exhausting. It was my fault if a boy wrote on my Instagram posts, my fault if a boy DM’d me, I wasn’t allowed to go to my gym, I had to join their gym. I wasn’t allowed to talk to my guy friends. I always had to picked up after nights out. I had a time frame that I had to text back in or I was told I couldn’t go home that night. I was shouted at regularly for having an opinion. I was called immature and had my personality scrutinised if I was too over the top and cheery. I would retreat in to some of the darkest corners of my mind and cry while I was in the same bed with them and have them tell me to shut up but then 2 minutes later shower me in kisses and cuddles. Imagine how confusing that would be!

When I finally left I was a shell of the young woman I once was. I was emotionally blackmailed, I was gaslit, I developed trust issues, I relapsed on my ED, I was extremely self conscious and I felt completely helpless. I threw myself in to my job, everything I had. So, I numbed myself, I didn’t deal with any of the trauma, swept it under the proverbial rug and ignored it. I bossed it though – 2 promotions in 2 years & bought my own house but it wasn’t until 2021 I started to really figure my shit out. Regular counselling, the gym and I came off the pill (which I swear fucked my mental health up so bad)!!!

I started to therapise myself (pretty sure that isn’t a real word but just go with it). I started saying my problems out loud and then answered myself OUT LOUD the way I thought my counsellor would, it worked. I deep dived in to my childhood trauma as well as the relationship trauma. I started to empathise with myself and my own thoughts asking myself “If someone came to me with these thoughts, how would I respond to them?” – that’s when I found out that the more time I spent alone with my own brain and without the negativity of others around me that I could really change how I think & react. It’s been a long 3 years figuring this shit out and it’s been exhausting.

Truth be told I didn’t realise I hadn’t healed from that, it’s only now I am aware of it that I can make sense of it all. I am a work in progress. I have not got everything figured out but I am FINALLY back to a STRONG, INDEPENDENT WOMAN. I have had some dating experiences after that relationship and it’s only now looking back that I have the self awareness to think “no wonder that didn’t work out when I still had crippling trust issues.” Now, I think I can actually enter in to a relationship and confidently say that I will never let another human treat me that way ever again, nor will I let how that human treated me affect my future relationships or me anymore.

That was a bit of a long one, but I needed the release, the weight is lifted, the healing has started. I won’t feel compelled to talk about that person or relationship anymore because I’ve taken the control back. That feels good.

Always remember – You are loved. You are special. You deserve to be happy, and you will be.