I found my old iphone recently. I can’t begin to explain the feelings that rushed through my body when I clicked on “notes.” Back then, when I got upset, I used to write down how I felt then constantly dwell on it for days. I remember frantically tapping my phone as tears slowly dripped from my eyes on to the screen. I remember exactly how I felt in that moment as my eyes stung from the brightness of the phone and I choked and mumbled every last word under my breath. I remembered how I felt in the moments of complete loneliness and pain.
It’s been almost 3 years since I wrote those notes and I still have those moments. I still don’t cope well with so many things, I struggle every day to understand why people can’t see how much pain I am in and then I remember.. I don’t tell them, I don’t show them. How can I expect someone who only see’s me when I smile, laugh and joke to understand that I put that persona on as a show. I am so terrified of showing people my vulnerable side in case they think I am weak, yet all I do is portray a strong and confident woman. But I’ll be damned if I let every single person I meet know the real me. Not every one deserves the REAL YOU. So, while we do deserve a bloody Oscar for the performances we put on every day for people who don’t care about us, make sure the ones who matter know you. So for the ones who would drop whatever they are doing to answer the phone or go for late night ice cream runs or just be in your company when you need a soothing presence, make sure you show them who you really are and keep the bravado for those who don’t deserve you and don’t hold your best interests in their heart. As I said, it’s been almost 3 years since I wrote those notes, so I think it’s time to realise that a lot can change in 3 years. I have gotten stronger, no doubt about that. I can now recognise when I am spiraling and work on stopping it and putting myself back on track, I’m not sure if that came hand in hand with growing up and experiencing another heartbreak or just learning how to cope and deal with my issues better. Regardless, take a minute to appreciate how far you have come, if you’re in the middle of 20/01/15 moment right now then take something from where I am. You have so much more to achieve on this planet. You got this!
Now, I still vent the same way, using the notes app in my phone, or typing on a word document. But now, when I do it, I print it off and when I have calmed down I read it out loud to my mum (or my counselor) and then I shred it/burn it/tear it up – depends on the mood. It is such a release to remove demons like that from your mind.
I guess the point of this blog is really that it is totally healthy to vent but don’t go through it all alone and it is definitely healthy to protect yourself from people who do not care about you the way you deserve. But you need to make sure you know how to remove yourself from that persona when you are with loved ones and find it in yourself to open up to them. I spent too long pretending to be something else that I pretty much forgot who I was and what I was worth. I genuinely believe that is how I almost ended up dead and breaking my friends & families hearts in the process – and that is something I swore I would never do again.
Thanks for reading, stay safe beautiful people
x
Put on Your Brave Face 